I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
