My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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