You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
