Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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