I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
No more Irish car bombs ever.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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