sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Never underestimate the power of titties
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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