I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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