There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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