Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
