What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
