proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
