I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
