Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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