So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Sober January is a disaster.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
