I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
