his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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