soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
