She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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