i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
