I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
