She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
