I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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