6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
