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I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
