She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
