Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
