I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm too high and old for this...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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