just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
