I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
