i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
