That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
