hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Your face is a jimmy john
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
