How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
