2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
