You're a womanizer and a bitch.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
