I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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