Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
