Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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