Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
