I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
