I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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