we're chasing vodka with high fives
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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