Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
cat food counts as protein by the way
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
