my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
