the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
