two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
