how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
