WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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