What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
