I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm like, not good at living.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
