Got a toothbrush?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
